Why Die Alone?
by DaughterOfSorceress-Lion
Summary: Just because his decision didn’t make logical sense doesn’t mean he didn’t think about it. Squall’s final thought’s before jumping into space.


AN2: I managed to switch from third to first person without noticing it even after multiple times going over it. Just want to thank Ritsu-San for catching it, and it has been fixed.

AN: Yet another probably overdone scene, done my way. More Squall angst stuff, over thinking things as always

Disclaimer: FFVIII isn't mine, nor are Squall's thoughts, though we all love to pretend they are.

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Why Die Alone?

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Sometimes you just want to give up. Sometimes you begin to believe it's not worth it anymore. Moments like these, sometimes, he just seemed to sink into his own world. But he didn't now, this was different, this wasn't just about him, this was about her. She was out there, she was in space, she was alone.

For the better portion of his life to date he had always imagined dying on the battle field alone, with honor, with pride, with no regrets. That idea had drifted away, he didn't want to die alone. Honestly at this point, he was just about to add one regret to his spotless checklist. That regret; leaving Rinoa to die in space… alone.

He knew she didn't want to die alone. She didn't want to be alone in general, and yet there she was out in space, floating in a void, an empty void now littered with debris from the space station and lunar monsters. She was alone. He… he was alone. Quistis, Ellone, and Piet were with him, but still he was alone. Ever since Ellone had left the orphanage, he had been alone. That is, until he met a girl who dragged him out onto a dance floor taking advantage of his embarrassed and shocked state. He hadn't truly looked into her eyes until halfway through his stumbling massacre of a dance. When he did, he relaxed, his etiquette classes came back to him, and he executed the dance movements flawlessly from memorization. But why he had done that he wouldn't realize until much later, realistically not until now.

With her, he was not alone. Beneath his mental barriers that had him convinced that being alone was the only way to go, a boy who wanted attention was always screaming to be heard. But no one ever heard that little boy.

Rinoa heard him, and dragged him out of his drowning prison.

Quistis could predict his outward reactions. To a point, his friends… that word still tasted funny… could as well. Despite her newness, Rinoa had him pinned. It wasn't just from what he would say, or what he was thinking, she didn't know him well enough for that quite yet. Rather she could look at his face, he could feel her unrelenting gaze. It picked beneath the unemotional surface, the death glare's the impassive remarks, she could predict what he felt. She had hinted at more than one emotion he wasn't ready to accept that he could even feel. Her scrutinizing gaze always made him want to hide in a corner like that little boy she was looking at, that she was hearing. But he hadn't wanted to give her the satisfaction, he had always given her the cold shoulder. He had still clung to his aloneness, it was his constant in life. It was foolish, it was fake, it was gone, obliterated by her leaving him. But he wouldn't let her go, there was too much pain without her. He didn't want to die alone.

There was only one way to die; with her. So much for being commander, so much for living to be a legal adult, so much for going back to… friends, so much for being there for Ellone. He would have apologized if he had more time.

It didn't make sense, but Squall had come this far, he refused to loose her now, not after all that they'd been through, not after all he'd put himself through for her. Why did he choose death now? Because it would be less painful than living. Yes, it was less responsible, hell it was suicidal. But she was waiting. He had told her he was coming. He… he thought she might have actually heard him. Wishful thinking probably.

Squall wanted to die alone, on a battle field with honor with pride with strength. Now, he went to his death, he wouldn't be alone, he'd be in a battle less void, desperate, dissatisfied, and weak. The logic didn't matter right now, emotion ruled his body desperate for her voice, her face, her eyes, her touch. Hyne knows he wouldn't be able to touch her, but at least he could see her one last time before they died.

He took his last steps towards the lift, towards space, towards destiny.


End file.
